


Cigarette Burns

by RBCQ



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-10 15:06:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6990391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RBCQ/pseuds/RBCQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adore knew her; she knew what it was like to get so far and still end up second-best, she understood the second-rate fame that came with being so close to the title, crown, and money, but still falling short. Fame didn't understand what the pressure was like; she had gone home too early and her career had taken off long before Pearl was known for being in the top three. Violet had no idea what it was like to watch her best friend take the crown and pretend to be happy, but feel like a failure anyways. Adore knew. The two of them shared that bond of unspoken pain and rejection that was rarely talked about, that they preferred not to think about in favor of performing in shows now, in favor of getting drunk and high and having one-night-stands in a hotel room that left dirty sheets and loneliness behind in the morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tried a different style for this fic - drag names while the girls are in drag, and real (boy) names when they're not. Feedback on it would be appreciated!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adore went unnaturally quiet, the half-second between her near-whispered word and her next move hanging heavy with a weight that Pearl was all-too-familiar with, except this time she wasn't drunk at a gay bar she'd never been to before and never would be at again, and she wasn't sitting next to some guy whose name she wouldn't remember in an hour. She was holding one of her best friend's wrists, inches away from her face, and Pearl closed her eyes, knowing exactly where it was going.

"C'mon, loosen up a little!"

 

Adore leaned into the other queen, a beer in one hand.

 

"I can't tell if you're drunk or flirting with me or both."

 

Pearl's reply was matter-of-fact, her perfectly-painted face refusing to move.

 

"Pleeeease?"

 

Adore was grinning, and one hand shot out to shake Pearl's knee with the eagerness of a puppy. Pearl finally broke her staring contest with the wall in front of them, her face cracking into a huge grin. Adore cheered, throwing her arms around her, somehow managing to keep her beer from spilling. Pearl returned the hug, rolling her eyes at the other queen's enthusiasm. It was a warm day, and the two of them sat on a bench behind their venue for the night, the bench conveniently and classily located in an alleyway. It was shaded and mostly private from the street, though, and for Adore, that was enough.

 

Pearl had been enjoying a couch and free wifi inside when the other queen had bounced up to her, grabbing her hand and basically dragging her outside.

 

"It's so nice out, Pearl, c'mon! Don't just sit inside all the time!"

 

She had grumbled the whole way out there, squinting against the sun when Adore pulled her out the door, but it really was beautiful out. It wasn't too hot, and the shade provided by the buildings made the bench a comfortable place to sit, especially since there was nobody else but the two of them. Adore had already pulled out her phone, tapping away at the screen. Pearl smiled to herself at the other girl's attention span - or lack thereof. As tired as she was from touring for the past month or so nonstop, Adore's bubbly, energetic aura and bright smile always seemed to cheer her up.

 

Though she would never admit it in front of anyone, Pearl really did love her to pieces. Friends like Adore didn't come around often, and Pearl couldn't say she'd ever be able to find someone exactly like her. She was everything Pearl wasn't - loud, bouncy, and eternally entertaining. You could say they completed each other, but that was only when other people were around. In truth, the two of them were very similar in nature. Where Pearl was reserved and quiet in the public eye, she and Adore often entertained themselves coming up with ridiculous pranks for various members of the tour, both cast and crew. She was a more private person, and Adore was ever-respectful of it.

 

Pulling the quiet queen from her thoughts, Adore leaned into her again.

 

"Hey, Pearl, wanna smoke?"

 

She sounded as eager as always, and Pearl grinned, resting her head on Adore's.

 

"Do you honestly need to ask me that?"

 

"I was being nice!"

 

The two of them settled into the well-familiar routine, exchanging smalltalk as they passed a blunt back and forth.They were still leaning against each other, the alleyway filled with a comfortable silence as the warm buzz started to set in.

 

"You know, you're really cute when you're stoned."

 

Pearl looked over at Adore, raising her eyebrows. The other queen laughed, bright and loud.

 

"You're cute all the time, bitch, but you don't look like you have a pole up your ass when you're stoned."

 

Pearl nudged Adore with her shoulder, grinning at her.

 

"Maybe that's because I can tolerate you more when I'm not sober."

 

"Cunt!"

 

Adore playfully swatted at Pearl, her beer forgotten on the ground next to the bench. The younger queen caught her wrist with one hand, batting back at her with the other. The two of them were laughing, Adore's hand holding one of Pearl's wrists, Pearl holding Adore's other hand. They wrestled like this for a moment, pushing and pulling on each other's grip and trying to pull away, both of them unsuccessful. Breathless with laughter and alone in the privacy of the alleyway, the two queens looked at each other from only inches away. If Adore hadn't had makeup on, Pearl would've spit in her face, but with less than an hour left until the first meet-and-greet began, Pearl wasn't that much of an asshole.

 

"Hey, Pearl," Adore's voice was airy, her eyes sparkling, "can I do something really stupid?"

 

"You mean stupider than everything else you do?"

 

"Fuck you!"

 

"No thanks. I have standards, you know, despite common belief."

 

Adore threw her head back and laughed. They still had a grip on each other, unwilling to let the other win. When she looked back at Pearl, they were both grinning, faces even closer than before.

 

"In case you were wondering, my answer's yes."

 

Pearl's voice was once again very matter-of-fact, her expression back to the painted-on blankness.

 

"Cool."

 

Adore went unnaturally quiet, the half-second between her near-whispered word and her next move hanging heavy with a weight that Pearl was all-too-familiar with, except this time she wasn't drunk at a gay bar she'd never been to before and never would be at again, and she wasn't sitting next to some guy whose name she wouldn't remember in an hour. She was holding one of her best friend's wrists, inches away from her face, and Pearl closed her eyes, knowing exactly where it was going.

 

When their lips met gently, Pearl stopped caring about the world around them. She didn't care that her lipstick was probably going to be fucked up, or the fact that they were sitting where anyone could walk into the alley or come out of the door to their venue. All that mattered was the fact that she was kissing one of her best friends - finally. They had been smoking buddies the whole tour, and good friends other than that, but they hadn't been close in the same way as she and Fame or she and Violet - the way that shared heated moments and touches in hidden places, where nobody knew for sure but everybody suspected.

 

Adore was gorgeous in her own way. She wasn't a high fashion queen, and certainly didn't bother with expensive looks. Not that she was cheap at all, but her aesthetic was messy, punk, and everything opposite of Pearl. Adore knew her; she knew what it was like to get so far and still end up second-best, she understood the second-rate fame that came with being so close to the title, crown, and money, but still falling short. Fame didn't understand what the pressure was like; she had gone home too early and her career had taken off long before Pearl was known for being in the top three. Violet had no idea what it was like to watch her best friend take the crown and pretend to be happy, but feel like a failure anyways. Adore knew. The two of them shared that bond of unspoken pain and rejection that was rarely talked about, that they preferred not to think about in favor of performing in shows now, in favor of getting drunk and high and having one-night-stands in a hotel room that left dirty sheets and loneliness behind in the morning.

 

That connection was what kept them there, pressed together at the lips and hands wrapped around each other's wrists. Pearl could feel Adore leaning into her, putting more weight behind the kiss once she was sure Pearl wasn't going to pull away. The world seemed to slow down around them, the buzz of the city around them fading away, the music coming from inside becoming background noise, falling in time with their heartbeats. Adore was the first to drop Pearl's wrist, her hand coming up to touch the queen's jaw. Pearl dropped her wrist as well, hands moving to rest on either side of her waist, pulling Adore closer. Pearl could feel the other queen's smile on her lips, and after a moment, Adore broke the kiss, pulling away with a soft exhalation. Pearl opened her eyes and looked at her, lips still slightly parted.

 

Pearl was speechless, for once without a snarky quip or comment. Adore looked at her for a moment, both of them warm and buzzing, Adore grinning. Her usual mischievous appeared on her face after a moment, and the tension between them dissolved.

 

"Is my lipstick fucked up?"

 

Pearl laughed, glancing down at Adore's lips.

 

"Not a smudge."

 

"Oh, sick!"

 

Pearl rolled her eyes, reaching up to touch her lips.

 

"You're fine, don't worry."

 

Adore stood up, stretching out a hand for Pearl. She took it, standing as well. Adore was once again only inches away from her, and Pearl caught her gaze lingering on the other girl's lips. They stood like that for a minute, touching only by conjoined hand, before Adore stepped back, half-turning for the door with her usual bounciness back in her step.

 

"We should probably get inside before they come looking."

 

Pearl nodded, still internally processing what had just happened. Adore spun in a full circle before nearly skipping towards the door, a glassy _clank_ making her freeze.

 

"Fuck!"

 

Adore nearly yelped, bending down to grab the now-mostly-empty bottle, laughing. Pearl started laughing too, feeling the tension fall away between them. Whatever had happened on that bench was going to stay there - or at least she hoped it would, until she had time to sit down and actually think about it. The two of them, laughing and bantering as if nothing had happened, walked back inside, the music and the business of the night's production overtaking them.

 

\---

 

Pearl finally had a chance to get off her feet and breathe. Hours later, after a long meet-and-greet, her set, and being caught by the other queens and roped into conversation, she was tired and sweaty, and the chance to sit down and think was much welcomed. She had been distracted through the whole thing, functioning like she was stuck in a fog, and now that she was alone, she let the swirling mess that was her thoughts overtake her.

 

It's not like she hadn't wanted Adore to kiss her, of course she did. It wasn't just because she had been too busy to get anything other than a quick fuck in some bar on the off chance she had the night off and nobody else tried to make plans with her first, either, she had genuinely wanted to kiss Adore for god knows how long. But when it finally happened, she didn't know how to feel. Nervous was an understatement; worried, confused, and thrown for a loop barely touched the surface. This was one of Pearl's best friends, someone that had stuck with her through every outburst and mood swing on the Battle of the Seasons tour so far, the only other one that made an effort to understand the queen. Of course there were other second-place top three queens, but Pearl didn't get along nearly as well with them.

 

For some reason, even after the fateful screenshot of Pearl's comments on Adore, back when her season first aired, came into public view, Adore had remained nothing but sweet to her. Pearl didn't understand her capacity to respect and even like someone that had so openly trashed her, as long ago as it was. That was what originally lured Pearl to her, in terms of being friends. Adore was a person unlike anyone else she'd encountered - immature, loud, and overly energetic, but when she needed to be serious she was wise beyond her years, and eternally sweet in her own way.

 

Pearl hated that the competition meant so much to her, and she hated how much it hurt to watch her best friend take the crown. She knew Violet deserved it, and she had known since before the show even aired that the editing wouldn't be kind to her. When the three of them sat on that couch to watch the finale, Pearl knew she wasn't going to take the crown. Some part of her acknowledged that she wasn't kept because she was talented and truly deserved a place at the top; she was kept because she was pretty and the producers wanted to make her redemption arc or whatever bullshit character they wanted to form her into. Bitterness wasn't exactly the word to describe it, since most of the time she didn't care to think about the show itself. Drag was what she loved, not the competition that her best friend won. Adore shared the philosophy - she knew she wasn't going to win from the second she walked into the workroom, but that didn't bother her much.

 

In the rare moments when emotions really did hit Pearl, they hit hard.Normally, she and Adore had the same 'fuck it, have fun' type mentality, as differently as they expressed it. Drag was their life, and as Adore once told Pearl, how well they did on a rigged competition didn't define their worth as a queen or as a person. They shared a love for music, and the love for their own unique style that defined them. But, on dark nights when they were alone or had one too many drinks, sometimes emotions surged up that they were trying so desperately to forget. Inadequacy was poignant, a sharp stab through the gut that took Pearl's breath away in the worst possible way. It was a heavy hollowness in her chest that made her head hurt. They had both learned from their first day as friends - a night out to a bar with too much to drink and too little space, leaving them together in a hotel room, feeling the same pain - to pick up their phones and call each other when things like this happened.

 

Adore always made Pearl laugh, an ugly laugh that started deep in her stomach and split her sides. Pearl could always calm Adore down from hysterics, a side of herself that she was too scared to show to Bianca and Courtney, lest they feel bad for the younger queen, or worse, guilty. Pearl feared the same thing from Violet, and Fame simply wasn't good with emotions, especially anyone's but her own. More often than not, Violet got frustrated with herself for "not being there enough" or "not doing enough" for her best friend, and Fame would just start worrying. That was the unspoken side of their relationship, the side they kept hidden from everyone else. It wasn't necessarily a secret, just a shared fear, shared pain, that they didn't want anyone else to find. It was a private part of themselves through which the two queens had formed a bond on.

 

Pearl closed her eyes, worrying a piece of sheer fabric between her fingers. She immediately went back to how it felt to have Adore's lips on hers in that warm alleyway, and the mixture of adrenaline, relief, and just a little bit of confusion that ran through her. She'd never admit to it herself, but Pearl had started falling for the other queen. There was something endearing about her; about the way she talked and widened her eyes for emphasis, or the way she always kept a room full of people entertained, no matter the crowd. Her body didn't help Pearl at all, especially how she moved it when she was on stage, captivating the audience with her voice and the energy exuding from her.

 

She absolutely didn't want to admit that she had been thinking about kissing Adore, or that she had been trying to figure out how to spark that conversation, a conversation Pearl had only had a few times and wasn't sure if she ever wanted to have again. But with Adore, it was different. Pearl didn't have to hide anything from her, and if she tried to, Adore usually pulled it out of her anyways. She made it easy to talk about the darkest parts of Pearl's childhood, of her fears and the nightmares that plagued the ever-tired queen. Reluctant to call it love, because she knew the implications of it and what always came after it, Pearl had settled for an attraction that straddled the line between being best friends and something greater than that. It was once again unspoken, a tension between them that had existed since that drunken, tear-soaked night in their shared hotel room, something neither of them wanted to think about in case something came of it, good or bad.

 

Pearl tried to tell herself she didn't care when she noticed marks on Adore, things left behind from unnamed people in unnamed places, names and faces Pearl didn't know but hated anyways. But she refused to admit it to herself, instead pushing the doubts and feelings into a corner of herself that both of them saw but didn't talk about. It was the elephant in the room in the grandest sense, and now that Pearl suspected Adore felt at least somewhat similarly, she didn't know how long they could go on pretending nothing was wrong, that there wasn't some mutual attraction that drew their eyes to each other in the dressing room.

 

Now, confusion was the only thing Pearl felt, in the most complete and utter way. It washed over her, through her body and mind and being, fear and doubt rising with it. She needed air, and to clear her head. Air and a cigarette were appealing, and before Pearl fell back into her thoughts again, she stood up on shaky legs, hurrying for her dressing room. Now, lighter and a cigarette in hand, Pearl made her way through the bustle of backstage towards the door, trying to keep her breathing under control. She couldn't let herself start panicking, not here, not now. She pushed the door open and stepped outside, walking just past the bench and leaning against the wall there, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath of the cool night air.

 

She stayed absolutely still for a moment, just breathing in the air and trying to relax. Little by little, her hands stopped shaking, and her chest loosened. When she could breathe normally, instead of trying not to hyperventilate, Pearl put her cigarette between her lips, lighting it and taking a long drag. Eyes closed, she stayed there, against the wall, smoking and listening to the music from inside. She could hear Adore's voice over the bass, just barely, but enough to set her teeth on edge. Pearl didn't need to be anywhere for another hour or more, until the second meet-and-greet, so she had time to relax.

 

She sat down, leaning against the wall, unwilling to go back to the bench. She didn't care if her outfit got dirty; all she wanted to do was get away and breathe for a little while. Her eyes stayed closed, and before long she had finished her cigarette, but the queen remained unmoving. The music and the city sounds around her swept her away, and for the first time since that afternoon, Pearl relaxed. Her breathing evened out and the tension melted out of her body, and Pearl lost track of how much time passed before the sound of the door opening jarred her enough to open her eyes.

 

By the time she looked up, Adore had already sat down on the end of the bench nearest to Pearl. There was a moment of silence in which they just looked at each other, silently asking if they were finally going to acknowledge the unspoken questions between them, or if they were going to ignore everything that had happened on the bench before and pretend that everything was fine when they knew nothing was.

 

"You okay?"

 

Adore broke the silence first, her voice lacking its normal bubbliness and energy, instead holding notes of concern and nervousness.

 

"I'm fine, just needed air."

 

"Oh."

 

They both looked away, nausea once again rising in Pearl's throat. Adore cleared her throat, pushing strands of her wig out of her face.

 

"So."

 

She let the word hang in the air, an invitation to Pearl to start the conversation they both didn't know how to have.

 

"What was that about?"

 

Pearl took her invitation, her voice sounding much more accusatory than she intended. She saw Adore flinch the tiniest bit, looking down at her fiddling hands.

 

"I just- I wanted to, I don't know, it felt _right_ -"

 

She started talking quickly, nervously, and Pearl touched her knee, stopping her.

 

"Danny."

 

The other queen looked up sharply, the use of her real name making her stomach drop, because she knew whatever Pearl - Matt - had to say next was serious.

 

"It's _fine_. I just want to know... what it meant."

 

They held each other's eyes for a long moment, Adore's hands still twisting in her lap, Pearl turned to face her, still on the ground.

 

"I... I don't know."

 

The answer came at last, the other queen's voice trembling and raw with emotion. There was a pregnant pause, Adore's knee starting to bounce up and down, before Pearl stood, offering a hand to her. No sooner had she taken it and stood as well did Pearl wrap her in a hug, murmuring against her shoulder.

 

"It's okay. You don't have to know."

 

Pearl felt Adore's sigh of relief as she sagged into the blonde queen's arms, finally hugging her back.

 

"Okay."

 

They stood like that for a moment, swaying ever-so-slightly to the music coming from the building. When Adore pulled away and looked at Pearl, there was a little bit of her usual attitude back in her expression.

 

"I do know one thing."

 

"What?"

 

Adore took a deep breath before responding, her voice small and soft in the vastness of the night around them.

 

"I really, really want to do that again."

 

Pearl didn't even bother responding, instead closing the gap between their lips once again, her eyes falling shut. Adore's hand found her jaw, the other slipping down to Pearl's waist and pulling her closer. It was much less graceful than before; this time it was all energy and passion, with a heat behind the kiss that wasn't there before. Their hands roamed over each other, pulling impossibly closer, lips moving together, bodies moving together. Time stretched on endlessly, the two of them losing themselves all over again in the alleyway.

 

When Adore finally pulled away, both of them were breathing quickly. They stayed only a few inches apart, hands still all over each other, lips parted and eyes locked.

 

"We should go inside."

 

Adore's voice was breathless, her grin coming back. Pearl didn't want to go, she wanted to stay here pressed against Adore in the peaceful, quiet alleyway, not worrying about anything but the way their lips fit together. She wanted more than that, she wanted to feel Adore's lips on her neck and she wanted to explore her body. Words could be left for later, and Pearl didn't want to face the other queens. She forced a smile and stepped back from Adore, almost reluctantly pulling her hands away.

 

"Yeah. We should."

 

"Is my lipstick fucked?"

 

Thankful for the makeup covering her face, Pearl could feel herself flush when she glanced down at Adore's lips - smudged, the brown of her lipstick mixed with the pinkish red of Pearl's.

 

"Yeah, is mine?"

 

"Just a bit."

 

They stood there awkwardly, close but not touching, the pause drawing out again. Pearl cleared her throat and Adore ran her fingers through her wig, looking away.

 

"So."

 

"Inside?"

 

"Yeah."

 

They both moved for the door, hands brushing as they reached for the handle. Pearl snatched hers back quickly, falling back to let Adore go inside first. Once she made it through the door, she hurried away without so much as a glance back at Pearl, who turned on her heel and walked the opposite way towards her own dressing room. There was a lump in her throat, but whether it was anger or pain or fear, she couldn't tell. Pearl nearly slammed her door, leaning against the back of it, suddenly trying to hold back tears. She slid down the door to sit, knees to her chest and head in her hands, and stayed there for a while, slowly calming down.

 

When her hands stopped shaking, Pearl stood up, walking over to her mirror and fixing her lipstick, quickly and methodically. She sat down when she was finished, pulling her phone out, and checking the time. Only a few minutes before she should go find the others, and a little longer before everyone but her had to go do . Pearl didn't mind that she wasn't performing with them, DJing was her thing anyways, not performing like the other queens. That much, she had learned after being on the show. With a sigh, she stood up, somewhat reluctantly heading for her door - hopefully Fame and Violet would distract her, and there would be alcohol wherever the rest of the queens were.

 

Just as her fingertips touched the door's handle, it turned, and Pearl had to jump back in order to avoid being hit. When she recovered her balance, the door had swung shut already, and standing in front of her once again was Adore.

 

"What do you want?"

 

Pearl's voice was much sharper than she meant to be, and Adore's almost bodily flinch made Pearl's stomach turn.

 

"Um, nothing, I can go-"

 

The other girl spun on her heel, yanking the door open halfway before Pearl caught her by the shoulder.

 

"Adore, no! Wait."

 

She turned back, shutting the door slowly, avoiding Pearl's eyes, silent. Pearl sighed softly, taking a half-step back to give Adore more room.

 

"I didn't mean to sound so..."

 

Pearl didn't know what to say. She was floundering for words, and Adore's interjection caught her by surprise.

 

"Bitchy?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"If you're pissed that I fucked up your makeup, I'm sorry?"

 

The apology was offered quietly, Adore meeting Pearl's eyes, looking confused and hopeful at the same time.

 

"I'm not upset, just confused."

 

"Oh."

 

They were silent again, both of them looking at the floor like they wanted to sink through it and not come back for a while. Adore broke the moment, reaching out to touch Pearl's shoulder with a cautious hand.

 

"Can I?"

 

Pearl nodded, and Adore stepped forward, hugging her. They stood like that for a moment, but the hug was different this time, tenser.

 

"Why?"

 

Pearl's single word made Adore pause, then pull away to look at her.

 

"Why what?"

 

"Why'd you kiss me?"

 

The silence returned, Adore's eyebrows furrowing, her hands nervously twisting together. It was a long, painful moment before she responded, sounding defeated.

 

"I- I don't know. I wanted to?"

 

Pearl nodded, not looking at the girl in front of her.

 

"So there's nothing behind it?"

 

Adore sighed quietly.

 

"Matt..."

 

Her heart leapt into her throat. Pearl and Adore stood facing each other, but Danny and Matt's eyes locked together, the room around them perfectly still and the music fading to an unnoticed background noise.

 

"I love you, I really do, you know I do."

 

"I love you too."

 

"But I just... I don't _do_ relationships."

 

"Why?"

 

Pearl's voice was soft, almost mournful. When Adore spoke again, she sounded pained in a way that Pearl wasn't sure she'd ever heard before.

 

"Because I always end up hurting people. I can't just stay with one person, I always fuck things up somehow. I don't know why, I just- I can't-"

 

She broke off, turning to the side, very obviously trying not to cry.

 

"Danny..."

 

Adore didn't move, looking down at her feet sadly.

 

"I'm sorry, Matt."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love didn't really exist, Matt kept trying to tell himself. Love was a four-letter word that they lied to you about as a little kid, to pretend that your parents weren't fighting because they hated each other and hated you. It was thrown around too much, too easily, and the fact that Matt was in love with Danny was disgusting, amazing, and set off every kind of alarm bell in his head.

Those three quiet, pained words fell from Adore's lips, and Pearl could've sworn she felt her heart shattering.

 

"I should go, before they come looking for me."

 

Pearl was silent, trying to force back the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. Adore opened the door and slipped out, shutting it behind her, and Pearl was left alone in the tiny room, her heart in a thousand pieces on the floor. As if in a dream, she moved towards her chair, sitting down and taking a deep breath. Her hands were shaking, her head was spinning. She knew that whatever she and Adore had, friendship or something else unspoken, she had just singlehandedly ruined it. Pearl muttered a curse and closed her eyes, sliding down in the chair.

 

There was no time for her to sit around and mope. The final song was on, and after that there was only a little while before she would be expected at the post-show meet-and-greet. Pearl stood, checking her makeup in the mirror one more time before leaving her dressing room, determined to not let the issues between her and Adore affect the rest of the show, or, more importantly, the other girls.

 

\---

 

By the time she made it back to her dressing room again, Pearl was absolutely exhausted. Her feet hurt, her waist hurt, and she wanted nothing more than to get the fuck out of drag and curl up in a bed and sleep. The door swung shut behind her and she sat down, kicked off her heels, and began the process of de-dragging, half-asleep. A cigarette and something to drink would wake her up when she was done, Pearl mused to herself as she scrubbed makeup off her face. Time passed quickly for once as the young queen undressed, putting away her things somewhat carefully. When Pearl looked in the mirror next, Matt looked back, his hair tousled and dark circles under his eyes. 

 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Humming something under his breath, he collected his things and packed them away, leaving his dressing room and walking down the hallway, following the sound of the other queens laughing and talking. A crew member offered to take his bags, and he muttered a thank-you before stepping into the room full of boisterous queens in various states of de-dragging.

 

"Matt!"

 

Fame nearly flew across the room, wrapping her arms around the sweater-clad boy. He had chosen a single dressing room for this reason - the other queens talked almost nonstop, and as much as he enjoyed being around them, sometimes things got to be too much and he needed a quiet place to retreat to. Fame pulled back after a half-second, holding Matt by the shoulders. She was dressed in a button-up and jeans, her wig long-gone but her face still mostly intact. Jason, on the other hand, was curled up on the couch, his phone in hand, hair in a bun and face bare.

 

"You look exhausted, are you okay?"

 

She sounded like a concerned mother, and the way she looked at Matt with narrowed eyes told him that she wasn't entirely unaware of him being upset.

 

" 'M fine, just tired."

 

Fame nodded and stepped back, pretty much skipping across the room to where a cluster of the other queens were gathered, talking and laughing. Matt glanced around, eventually turning to Jason, curled up on the couch to his right. He walked over and sat down, and Jason looked up with a smile.

 

"Hey! Hiding in the back again?"

 

He nodded, and Jason lifted an arm, inviting Matt to lean against him. He graciously accepted, curling his knees to his chest and settling against Jason's side, the dark-haired boy curling his arm almost protectively around Matt.

 

"You okay?"

 

Jason rested his cheek on the top of Matt's head, and the older boy lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug.

 

"Tired, mostly. Glad we have tomorrow night off."

 

"You look more than tired, babe, talk to me."

 

"It's nothing, really."

 

Jason sighed, squeezing Matt.

 

"C'mon, we're going outside. Something's up."

 

He nudged Matt, who leaned to the other side to let him stand up. Jason reached down and grabbed his hands firmly, almost glaring at him.

 

"Matt."

 

"Fine, fine, jesus christ."

 

He stood up as well, and Jason laced their fingers together tightly, squeezing the older boy's hand. The brunette turned for the door, leading Matt outside, into the fateful alleyway with the bench. Jason sat down on the bench, tugging Matt down with him. Caught off-guard, he stumbled, off-balance, and haphazardly sat down leaning into the younger queen.

 

"So," Jason started, wrapping his arms around Matt again, "What's going on?"

 

"I told you, it's nothing."

 

" _Matt_."

 

He curled his knees tighter to his chest and leaned into Jason, sighing.

 

"Promise you won't say anything."

 

"I won't."

 

Matt closed his eyes, his next words mumbled.

 

"Adore - Danny - kissed me."

 

There was a moment of silence, and Matt's heart dropped into his stomach. He was ready to pull away and almost run inside out of pure fear and adrenaline before Jason spoke again, confused.

 

"And?"

 

"What do you mean, and?"

 

Matt couldn't help the fact that his voice was rising; he pushed himself away and looked at Jason.

 

"He kissed me!"

 

Jason looked at him oddly, an expression something between confusion and concern.

 

"Is that a bad thing? I mean, it's not like we haven't-"

 

"No, it's not a bad thing! I just- I-"

 

Matt sighed, exasperated, and ran a hand through his hair.

 

"He's acting like he doesn't care, but _I_ care, and I don't know what to do, and this is so fucking confusing, I hate dealing with this and he's one of my best friends and I just don't know what the fuck to do-"

 

He was talking faster and faster, his voice getting louder and more panicked, and Jason put a hand on his shoulder to silence him.

 

"Breathe, okay? Just take a deep breath."

 

Matt nodded and took a few breaths, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Jason was still looking at him with that weird confused-and-concerned expression.

 

"So, Danny kissed you."

 

Matt nodded, not saying anything.

 

"It's kinda obvious you two have something going on."

 

"...It is?"

 

"I mean, you're not exactly secretive when you stare at him, Matt."

 

He cleared his throat, looking away.

 

"I didn't think it was that obvious."

 

"It's not. I just know you."

 

Matt rolled his eyes and Jason laughed, leaning forward to pull him back into a hug.

 

"So is that the only thing you're freaking out about?"

 

"Not really, no."

 

"Then what else is going on?"

 

The older boy sighed again, leaning into Jason's chest. This time, though, he wasn't mumbling, and his voice held a note of resignation that wasn't there before.

 

"He doesn't want it to mean anything."

 

"But it means something to you?"

 

Jason's voice was soft, and without waiting for an answer he hugged Matt closer.

 

"I don't _want_ it to."

 

Matt's voice threatened to crack, and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes despite how hard he was trying to keep himself from crying.

 

"But it does anyway."

 

The confusion was gone from the younger queen's voice, and he pressed careful lips to the top of Matt's head, pulling him as close as possible.

 

"I'm sorry, Matt..."

 

"I tried to talk to him and- I fucked up, I pissed him off, I don't know- he left, I don't know what to do..."

 

Matt's voice cracked and he trailed off, closing his eyes as a tear ran down his cheek. Jason shushed him softly, rocking the two of them back and forth on the bench, the cool night air surrounding them. Neither of them said anything for a while; they sat there, Jason with his arms around Matt's body and his cheek to the top of the other boy's head, and Matt curled into his chest. The normally quiet, reserved boy was shaking with choked-back sobs, tears running freely down his face. Jason said nothing, just holding him, letting him cry.

 

Slowly, his tears subsided, and when he could breathe without forcing back a sob, Matt sat up, wiping his face with the backs of his hands. Jason let him sit up, hands moving to take his friend's.

 

"Hey."

 

His voice was soft, cautious.

 

"Matt, look at me."

 

The other boy looked up, sniffling.

 

"It's going to be okay."

 

This brought on a new, more brief wave of tears, Matt quickly recovering and wiping his face again.

 

"I have a feeling Danny's just as scared as you are."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Well, he walked in basically crying."

 

Matt paused for a moment, brow furrowing as he looked up at Jason, who continued talking, his thumbs rubbing back and forth over the backs of the older boy's hands.

 

"He did?"

 

Jason nodded, pulling Matt into another hug. Once again, they went silent, arms wrapped around each other. The moment stretched on, Matt slowly relaxing into the other boy's side, calming down and de-stressing. After a while, he sat up again, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a sigh.

 

"Thanks again to RuPaul for putting me in such stressful situations."

 

He said it seriously, if not sarcastically, and the almost-bitter tone clung to both of them for a moment before dissipating into laughter. They were still laughing when the door opened, but when an accented voice sounded from the doorway, Matt went silent and nearly gave himself whiplash turning around.

 

"Hey, Jason, can I steal you for a minute?"

 

Shane was leaning against the doorway, smiling at the two of them. With a quick glance at Matt, who raised his eyebrows questioningly, he stood up.

 

"Yeah, sure. I'll be right back, okay?"

 

He directed the latter words at Matt, who shrugged as if to say he didn't mind. Jason followed Shane inside, and the door fell shut, leaving Matt with his thoughts in the alley. It was a deceivingly peaceful moment, however. Before long, the door opened again, except when he turned back, excepting it to be Jason, his heart flew into his throat.

 

"Can we talk?"

 

Danny's voice was small, his face bare and hands twisting together again. It took Matt a second to respond, but when he did, his voice was choked-up.

 

"Sure."

 

He hadn't realized he was holding back tears until Danny shut the door and sat down next to him on the bench, and they threatened to spill over yet again. Rubbing the back of his hand quickly across his eyes, Matt turned to face him, cross-legged on the bench. The awkward, tense silence returned, the two of them staring down at the few inches of space between them before Matt cleared his throat.

 

"I'm sorry about earlier."

 

"Me too."

 

Another pause, this time broken after a handful of seconds by Danny's sigh.

 

"This doesn't... change anything, right?"

 

"What do you mean, change anything?"

 

This time, Matt sounded scared instead of accusatory.

 

"Like, we're still friends?"

 

"Unless you suddenly hate me because I'm a bad kisser, then of course, bitch."

 

Danny was silent for a half-second before he broke into a grin, leaning forward and throwing his arms around Matt, his laugh making Matt grin. He pulled back, and the two of them sat there, grinning at each other.

 

"You know, we can do shit and still be _friends_ , Danny."

 

"You don't care?"

 

"Ask Violet, Fame, or half the people on the goddamn bus. _No._ "

 

"Whore."

 

Matt laughed, flipping him off.

 

"Only when I have time off."

 

"Oh _please_ , whore and drag queen are the same fucking thing."

 

"You should know, selling your ass on the corner for five bucks and a bowl."

 

Danny screeched with laughter, and Matt laughed with him. There was a conversation that needed to be had, but he didn't want to have it, not now, not ever. It was easier to close his eyes and pretend whatever drunk guy he met at a bar was Danny, to keep pretending everything was fine and that his heart still didn't feel any less broken than it did before. Danny seemed oblivious to Matt's mood, and he looked at him with sparkling eyes and a mile-wide grin.

 

'We're gonna go to the club across the street, wanna come?"

 

"Who's we?"

 

"Everyone but Michelle."

 

"Maybe, I dunno."

 

"C'mon, pleeeaseee?"

 

Danny leaned forward, tilting his head to the side and pouting exaggeratedly at Matt. He rolled his eyes and couldn't help but smile.

 

"I'll think about it, okay? I'm tired."

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

"Wake _up_ _,_ Pearl."

 

Danny imitated Ru badly, and Matt started at him incredulously for half a second before bursting into laughter. While the two of them were almost cackling, the door opened again, and Shane and Jason stepped outside. They both stood there, smiling at the two wheezing boys, giving them a minute to catch their breath. When they were coherent and quiet, both of them looking at the two standing boys, Shane spoke.

 

"I'm glad you two are okay!"

 

Jason grinned, looking at Matt.

 

"Told you."

 

The only response he got was a raised middle finger and an eyeroll, but Danny bounced up, still grinning.

 

"Thank you."

 

Shane hugged him with one arm.

 

"No problem, Danny."

 

He looked at Matt, the only one still sitting. He was worrying his lower lip between his teeth, and when he felt everyone's eyes on him, he stood up as well, running a hand through his hair.

 

"I guess I'll come with you guys, I could use a drink."

 

Danny very nearly cheered, throwing his arms around Matt. Shane pulled the two of them into a hug, and Jason joined in, Danny crowing something about a group hug. Matt was already four steps ahead of himself and the group, thinking of excuses to leave early and crash in his hotel room - thankfully, he was alone for the night. When the other three let go, however, he forced himself to smile and relax as best as he could, following them inside to the rest of the queens.

 

\---

 

The club was loud around them, with voices and music. The bass was nice, a deep beat that Matt could feel inside his chest. He was already tipsy, one drink too many dangling from his fingers. The other queens were in a cluster a few feet away - they had sensed something was up and chosen not to question it, instead letting him enjoy the alcohol and music on his own. He was perched on a stool at the bar, watching Danny and Shane shamelessly grind to the music. The club was dark and busy enough, and besides, they didn't care who saw them. Matt would've given anything to have Danny against him like that, except for the fact that he was shit at dancing and the alcohol was the only reason he was here. Kurtis and Jason were dancing as well, chest-to-chest, each with a drink hand. Justin, Aaron, Brian, and Jaremi were milling around the bar, a few feet away, and the rest were nowhere to be found.

 

Eyes narrowed and lower lip between his teeth again, Matt was half watching Danny, half lost in thought. He tried not to see Shane's hands on his hips, or the fact that Danny was very obviously enjoying himself, instead trying to focus on the way he was grinning and moving his hips. Matt felt disgusting, being so in love with one of his best friends. Love didn't happen often for him, not this kind. His usual brand of love was one-in-the-morning drunk kisses and clumsy sex, numbers left scribbled on hotel pads or napkins with little notes like _call me_ or _had a great night_ \- the kind of love that didn't matter three weeks later, didn't matter when he found someone else to hold him and kiss him, didn't matter because it was the attention he loved, not the person. He was used to the kind of love that existed only in throwaway hotel rooms when most people were asleep, the kind that didn't remember names or faces. This was different. It was almost overwhelming, how much Matt cared about Danny, but there was a different kind of feeling than his love for Jason or Kurtis. The three of them had a sisterhood, formed on the show itself and strengthened afterwards, on tour and beyond it. It wasn't as if the three of them hadn't shared nights in the same bed, the same way they would with guys at the bar, but that was different - it didn't _mean_ anything to any of them, not beyond the pleasure, not in a romantic way.

 

With Danny, it felt different, and Matt couldn't figure out why - it was driving him insane. He didn't know why feeling his lips on his own sparked something new in him, and not just a want for more, for his lips elsewhere. Matt wanted to hold him forever and keep him _safe_ , hold his hands and run his fingers through his hair and fall asleep with him, and it disgusted him and made his stomach twist into butterfly-filled knots all at once. He felt like a teenager in high school again, falling in love with the football quarterback and beating himself up because of it. Everything going on inside his head felt juvenile, like he should've grown out of it a long time ago. Love didn't really exist, Matt kept trying to tell himself. Love was a four-letter word that they lied to you about as a little kid, to pretend that your parents weren't fighting because they hated each other and hated you. It was thrown around too much, too easily, and the fact that Matt was _in love_ with _Danny_ was disgusting, amazing, and set off every kind of alarm bell in his head.

 

But yet, he couldn't stop thinking about it. Some part of him _wanted_ this, _wanted_ to pull Danny away from Shane and into the cool night air, _wanted_ to risk everything on a few words he knew would tear both of them apart, just because he _wanted_ Danny to fall in love with him. He knew it wouldn't happen - he knew the way Danny worked, and it was just like how Matt thought he did: one-night-stands in cheap hotel rooms, drunk making out in alleys next to clubs and bars, and awkward morning-after texts that never went anywhere but were sent anyways, out of courtesy for some false ritual that neither of them believed in. Until now. He didn't _want_ to believe in it, he told himself. He downed the last of his drink and immediately ordered another, drinking it unhealthily quickly and nearly slamming the empty glass down. He didn't _want_ any of this. He _wanted_ things to be the way they used to be, when the two of them could smoke together and not have to care about anything, when there was nothing unspoken and uncomfortable between the two of them.

 

Midway through basically chugging yet another drink, his insides warming with the alcohol and the tension in his shoulders fading, a hand touched his shoulder. He turned to look at who it belonged to, smiling weakly when he saw Kurtis. Matt hadn't noticed him or Jason moving; his eyes had been on Danny and his attention introspected.

 

"Jason's getting a drink, so I figured I'd come say hello."

 

He moved to sit on a stool next to Matt, blocking Danny from his view. In a way, it was comforting, in that he didn't have to stare at the other boy while he danced.

 

"You okay?"

 

Matt shrugged, taking another sip of his drink. When he spoke, his words were slurred, even though he didn't feel the alcohol working on his head.

 

" 'M jus' tired, an' thinking."

 

Raising his eyebrows, Kurtis looked down at the drink in his hand.

 

"How much have you had to drink?"

 

"Lost coun'."

 

The other boy sighed, looking at him with concern. Alcohol made him wary, and for good reason. He touched Matt's hand, guiding it to put the glass back on the bar. Matt let him, his head still cloudy with thoughts and worries. Kurtis waved down the bartender, handing him a credit card, even at Matt's protest. After a moment, the man returned and passed the card back, and Kurtis took Matt's hand, leading him outside without another word from either of them. His feet felt leaden, and walking took much more effort than Matt thought it would. But, well-practiced at acting sober when he wasn't, he kept his balance just fine, following Kurtis out to the street. Once there, in the quiet, cool loneliness of the street, Kurtis' voice was quiet.

 

"Matt, what's going on?"

 

"Wha'd'you mean?"

 

"Something's wrong."

 

" 'M fine."

 

"Jason noticed it too."

 

" 'M _fine_ , Kurtis."

 

Matt tried to sound angry, but all the emotion he forced into his voice just sounded hurt. Kurtis sighed, looking away for a moment, then back at him.

 

"You know you can talk to me, Matt."

 

"There's nothin' t' talk 'bout."

 

"You're drunk."

 

"And?"

 

Kurtis sounded frustrated, and he stood there, shifting his weight from foot to foot, Matt standing still with his arms crossed. The door behind them opened, music swirling out into the street as a very giggly Shane nearly stumbled out, an equally-giggly Danny following. The two of them seemed to be in their own world until Danny very nearly slammed into Matt's back.

 

"Shit, sorry, I-"

 

Matt stumbled, turning to look at him, and the laughter from the other two faded fast.

 

" 'S fine."

 

Kurtis didn't say anything, only looking at Matt, confused. Shane looked back and forth between the two of them - Danny, suddenly nervous, and Matt, looking at Danny and Shane. Their fingers were laced together, shoulders touching, and a wave of jealousy rose up in Matt's throat. Without thinking twice, he spun back to Kurtis, forcing a grin and a laugh that sounded five times as drunk as Matt was (wishful thinking, maybe), and grabbed his hand.

 

"C'mon, I have a room to myself!"

 

He nearly sang it, doing his best not to stumble over the words so Danny could hear exactly what he was saying. Kurtis fell into step with him, either not catching the meaning of Matt's words or understanding the motive behind them. He made sure to pull Kurtis close, hooking an arm around his waist, far lower than just a friend would. His message was clear: _I have someone else, too_. _I don't need you_.

 

As he turned the corner, faking another drunken laugh, Matt glanced back at the pair standing outside the club. It was clear Danny had gotten the message - in the split-second view that Matt got of him, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, Shane trying to comfort him. His stomach twisted with a horrible, wretched mix of regret, satisfaction, and fear, and when Kurtis stopped to hug him, he couldn't stopthe sob that wrenched itself from his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger boiled up inside of him, dark and painful. Kurtis' hand ran up and down his back, trying to soothe him, but the more Matt thought about the two of them, Shane and Danny, sharing the night together like that, the sicker he felt. He knew it was jealousy, but he didn't want to admit it - not to himself, not to anyone. He needed a distraction, something to get his mind off of Danny in bed with someone else.

As soon as Matt started crying, Kurtis hugged him tighter.

 

"Hey, shh, it's okay."

 

His fingers curled into the back of Kurtis' shirt, his body shaking with sobs that he tried desperately to keep quiet.

 

"Breathe, you're going to be okay."

 

Kurtis was rubbing small circles on his back, hugging him tightly and doing his best to calm him down. He was clearly out of his depth, confused, and Matt did his best to regain control of himself quickly. When he could breathe again, he stepped back, wiping his face.

 

"We should probably get you to your room and in bed."

 

He nodded, and Kurtis took his hand again, leading him towards their hotel, only another two blocks down the street. The two of them didn't say anything the whole way there, standing quietly hand-in-hand in the elevator. Matt led him down the hall, only stumbling a little bit. It took him a minute of searching his pockets to find the key card, and when he opened the door, he made a beeline for the bathroom, dropping to his knees and retching into the toilet. Kurtis shut the door behind them, hovering nervously in the doorway to the bathroom, not quite sure what to do or say.

 

After a minute, Matt sat back on his heels, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He seemed to forget about Kurtis for a moment, reaching up for the handle and flushing the toilet, standing up and going to the sink. The sight of himself in the mirror, face flushed and hair a mess, made him pause for a moment, but he quickly brushed it off and turned on the sink, cupping his hands under the water and ducking down, washing his face and rinsing out his mouth, then brushing his teeth. When he finally turned back to the doorway and to Kurtis, he just looked tired. The older boy held out a hand for him, leading him quietly out of the bathroom and into his room. The single bed was empty, made immaculately, and Matt undressed slowly, like his body was full of lead. He didn't want to think, didn't want to keep seeing the way Danny's shoulders shook in that split-second view Matt got of him, but his head felt like a vortex, spinning around over and over, looping fragments of the day again and again.

 

He crossed the room to his suitcase and unzipped it, digging inside for a pair of sweatpants. Semi-dressed, he ran a hand through his hair again, exhaling and trying to relax. Matt turned to Kurtis, and the pain evident in his eyes drew the other closer, pulled him towards the slouched queen. He hugged Matt gently, kissing his forehead, and it took all of Matt's willpower not to start crying again. It'll be better in the morning, Matt tried to tell himself, deciding to pointedly _not_ think about the fact that he was going to be on a bus all day with Danny, or the fact that he had _hurt_ him walking away like that.

 

"Is there anything I can do?"

 

His voice was soft, the words whispered into Matt's hair as Kurtis hugged him. Matt's voice was only the littlest bit raspy when he responded into his chest, the words muffled but understandable.

 

"Don't go."

 

"I won't."

 

Matt pulled away, turning to the bed and unceremoniously clambering underneath the covers. Kurtis pulled his phone out of his pocket and sat on the edge of the bed, sending a quick text before setting his phone down and turning to the other boy. He was looking up at Kurtis, his face unreadable. The silence in the hotel room wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but Matt knew how Kurtis got around emotional stuff. Being there for his friends was something he loved doing, and he cherished being able to help and support them, but as much as he cared about Matt, he didn't exactly know what to do, especially in this type of situation.

 

"Do you want water?"

 

Kurtis' voice was soft, and he reached a hand out to touch Matt's cheek. He shook his head, closing his eyes and leaning into Kurtis' touch, his expression shifting to one that was almost placid.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Matt nodded, making a quiet sound, opening his eyes and lifting the covers. Kurtis couldn't help but smile and slip underneath the covers, leaning to the side to turn off the room's light before laying down and turning to Matt. The other boy wasted absolutely no time in curling up against him, his head against Kurtis' chest. It took a moment of coercing for Kurtis to get him to shift so he could wrap his arms around him, but when they finally settled, Matt let out a small, happy sigh. Being in someone's arms was comforting, despite everything that was going on. He could feel Kurtis breathing, and the rhythm of it soon calmed him down, the storm of thoughts inside his head mellowing. It wasn't long before the two of them were fast asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. 

 

\---

 

They were in almost exactly the same position when Matt woke up. It was already bright out, sun was streaming into the room, and he guessed it was somewhere around ten or eleven - Kurtis was blocking the clock. Matt was still curled into his side, Kurtis' arm wrapped around him, except Kurtis had rolled over onto his back. He was still fast asleep, his face slack and his arm loose around Matt. The younger boy laid there for a moment, still, before sitting up. Coffee would wake him up, and some Advil would help get rid of his headache. Hangovers had never really been an issue for Matt; he could hold his alcohol well. Slowly, squinting against the light, he sat up, being careful to slide Kurtis' arm off of him gently so as not to wake him. He stood up and stretched, crossing the room towards his suitcase, opening it and lazily digging around for Advil. Matt didn't want to think just yet; he let himself move slowly, not paying much attention to anything.

 

He found the bottle and pulled it out, dumping two into his palm and near-carelessly tossing it back into his suitcase. A quick trip to the bathroom for water later, Matt walked back to the bed and sat down on the edge, shaking Kurtis gently. It took a moment, but he woke up with a soft noise, blinking back sleep and the bright light.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Morning."

 

Matt smiled, the events of the previous night not exactly hitting him yet. On some level, he was aware of them, but he was still half-asleep and basking in the warmth of the room, too comfortable to care.

 

"What time is it?"

 

Kurtis sat up, running a hand through his hair and yawning. Both of them turned to the clock, which read 10:43.

 

"We don't have to be back to the bus until one, so we have time."

 

Kurtis' voice was sleepy, and he leaned into Matt, cuddly in the morning sun.

 

"Wanna get lunch?"

 

The offer was almost lost in the younger boy's shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around Kurtis and smiled.

 

"Sure."

 

Kurtis hummed and returned the hug, pulling Matt back down to lay down with him. Protesting, he tried to keep himself upright, but with a fading headache and less strength than the other boy, it was easy for Kurtis to get him to lay down.

 

"We can get up in fifteen minutes."

 

Grumbling, Matt tried to sit up again, but Kurtis' arms were firmly wrapped around him.

 

"Kurtis, I'm hungry."

 

Matt very nearly whined, pulling gently on his arm.

 

"Fifteen minutes."

 

Kurtis' response was soft, muffled into the back of Matt's shoulder. When the smaller boy sighed, he pressed a soft kiss to the side of his neck.

 

"Please? I'm comfy."

 

"Fine. But only fifteen minutes!"

 

"Deal."

 

Matt glanced at the clock. He _could_ set an alarm and make sure he and Kurtis got up on time, but he _was_ comfortable in the other boy's arms. Checking the clock every so often would have to do, he decided. Anyways, there wasn't anywhere they absolutely had to be for another few hours. Sighing, he shifted to lay more comfortably. Kurtis hummed happily, pressing his lips to Matt's jaw again. Slowly but surely, the previous night was trickling back to him. Not in a way like he had forgotten, but more in a way that it was sinking through the haze of waking up half-hungover. His heart hurt thinking about the expression on Danny's face when he looked back one last time; his chest tightened when he thought about how Shane had pulled Danny closer, and how Danny had clung to him, watching Matt pull Kurtis away.

 

That was the last thing he wanted to think about. Matt didn't want to think about Danny's body against his in that godforsaken alleyway, he didn't want to think about kissing him or holding him or any of that. Kurtis must've noticed him tensing up, because he pulled Matt to his chest, shifting to wrap his arms around the smaller boy protectively. With his forehead buried in his friend's shoulder, Matt tried to breathe and relax. He wasn't going to cry, but he felt miserable, thinking about how upset Danny looked. The more he thought about it, though, the faster the sadness faded and anger started to rise in his chest. Matt knew what it meant for Danny to cling drunkenly to someone like that, the way he was clinging to Shane when they stumbled out of the club. There was a reason behind the two of them leaving the rest of the group behind, and it wasn't to say goodnight and go their separate ways.

 

Anger boiled up inside of him, dark and painful. Kurtis' hand ran up and down his back, trying to soothe him, but the more Matt thought about the two of them, Shane and Danny, sharing the night together like that, the sicker he felt. He knew it was jealousy, but he didn't want to admit it - not to himself, not to anyone. He needed a distraction, something to get his mind off of Danny in bed with someone else.

 

"Hey, Kurtis?"

 

"Hm?"

 

They pulled apart briefly, only a few inches, so Matt could look at him. Kurtis smiled at him, sleepy and warm, and Matt smiled back for a moment, thinking. There was a delicate space of silence before Matt leaned in to kiss him. Kurtis' lips were soft against his, warm and gentle. After a moment, he pulled away, looking at Matt with a strange expression.

 

"Matt."

 

He sat up, running a hand through his hair. Matt sat up with him, internally cursing himself. Something was off; Kurtis never acted like this when Matt kissed him. He never thought twice about it, never asked why or wanted to be sure. It was always soft and slow and gentle, pleasurable and amazing, not unsure and scared. Matt didn't want questions, he wanted someone against him, someone's hands on his body and lips on his own, he wanted gentle and sweet so he didn't have to think about Danny and Shane.

 

"What's going on? You're not usually like this."

 

Matt looked away. He didn't want to talk about this again, not here, not now. He didn't want talking, he wanted to feel good, and he wanted one of his best friends to help him.

 

"It's nothing. I just-me being an idiot."

 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 

Fuck. How was he supposed to get out of this without leaving those awkward inches between them again? Fumbling, Matt looked back at Kurtis, trying to make his voice as smooth as possible.

 

"Talking is the _last_ thing I want to do right now."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Instead of a response, tentatively, he put a hand on Kurtis' leg, watching his reaction. Clearly, he got the message as soon as Matt's palm touched his body, and his hand moved to the other boy's side, pulling him closer as their lips touched again. This time, it felt right. Matt moved, slipping across his lap and straddling Kurtis without breaking the kiss. His hands held Kurtis' face, keeping him close, and Kurtis' hands went to Matt's back, holding their bodies together. It was gentle and soft, everything Matt wanted. The other queen's body was familiar; they knew each other inside and out in the way only the best of friends could. Kurtis moved backwards, leaning against the headboard, and Matt moved with him.

 

With their chests pressed together and eyes closed, all Matt cared about was feeling Kurtis against him. He rocked his hips down against him, slowly, testing the waters. The encouraging noise he got and the way Kurtis' nails curled ever-so-slightly into his back prompted him to rock his hips down more confidently. Kurtis responded with rocking his own hips up, creating a pleasant friction between them that elicited little noises from Matt. Their kiss grew messier, lips parting and little gasps escaping both of them. They kept the same pace, enjoying the heat between them and the soft morning sunlight, their muted noises filling the small room. All too soon, Kurtis broke the kiss, slowing the movement of his hips, his hands traveling to Matt's sides.

 

"Matt," he whispered, only a little breathless, "are you positive you want to do this?"

 

The younger boy bit his lip, looking at Kurtis' flushed face, his expression one of concern.

 

"Of _course_ I am."

 

"Okay."

 

Kurtis nodded, one of his hands moving to cup the other boy's cheek. Matt smiled, tilting his head into his touch, and leaned forward, kissing Kurtis softly. The other boy hummed, his hand slipping to the back of Matt's head, his other hand tracing up his back. They were moving again, hips moving together and pressing together, kissing faster than before, _needier_ than before. Like a well-practiced routine, the two of them moved in tandem, hands roaming, lips finding necks and collarbones, careful not to leave marks. They had an unspoken agreement that what they did stayed between them and Jason, and that was fine with them. Everything about the way they were pressed together was gentle, unhurried, and Matt absolutely loved it.

 

Before long, Matt was gasping against Kurtis' lips, little noises coming from both of them. Matt's fingers were twisted into Kurtis' hair, and Kurtis' hands roamed over his body, pulling him closer, trailing nails up and down his back. When Matt's head dropped to the other boy's shoulder, Kurtis traced the edge of his waistband, hooking a finger into his sweatpants. He got the message, shifting to pull them off. It took an awkward pause for Kurtis to get undressed, pulling off his jeans and kicking them aside, but Matt didn't care. He didn't care about the next moment it took of Kurtis leaning forward to pull his shirt off; with the covers over them and their lips together, nothing mattered. Kurtis reached down and wrapped his hand loosely around both of them, and the noise that left Matt's mouth made Kurtis groan softly. Matt arched his back, working his hips against Kurtis' hand, his lips going to the other boy's neck. He left sloppy, open-mouthed kisses there, pressing warmth into every inch of his skin. Kurtis' head fell back, and he whispered the younger queen's name. Matt looked up right as Kurtis did, and as their eyes met both of them smiled, eyes sparkling with a comfortable happiness in the feeling of their bodies moving together.

 

Everything felt electric and hot; Matt was getting close, and from the way Kurtis' breath was starting to come faster and more high-pitched, he knew the other boy was as well. He leaned forward, pressing their lips together, cutting off a soft, breathy moan from Kurtis. The older boy's hand worked the two of them, and the added friction from their hips moving together made everything perfectly intense and set Matt's head spinning. Neither of them could control the tiny noises that slipped out of their kiss, and soon, Kurtis broke it to rest his forehead on Matt's, both of their eyes closed.

 

"Fuck, Matt, I'm close-"

 

His words were only a whisper, Matt's response only a fluttering gasp of Kurtis' name, and they both came together with soft moans. They stayed still for a moment, basking in aftershocks and each others' warmth, their foreheads still together. When he finally caught his breath, Matt sat up, looking down at Kurtis with a small smile.

 

"Lunch?"

 

He asked the other boy airily, and Kurtis blinked before laughing. He reached up and pulled Matt down for another kiss, this one lacking passion and instead full of delight and smiles. When they pulled apart again, Kurtis sighed softly, looking up at Matt.

 

"I don't have time for a shower, do I?"

 

Matt looked over at the clock, blinking a cheery ten minutes later.

 

"Depends, can you shower in five minutes?"

 

Kurtis laughed.

 

"You're still holding me to fifteen minutes?"

 

The look that Matt fixed him with made Kurtis laugh again, and then the two of them were standing up. Kurtis reached for a tissue, cleaning off his chest and stomach, and Matt collected the discarded clothes.

 

"I'll try to keep it to five minutes, but no promises."

 

Matt nodded, smiling, his body still warm and buzzing comfortably. Kurtis leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the other boy's cheek, then brushed past him, heading for the bathroom. With a soft sigh, Matt walked back over to his suitcase, pulling out the first clothes he found on top and throwing them on - jeans and a sweater. He found his pants from the previous night and fished out his phone, flopping backwards onto the bed. He unlocked it and almost immediately got bombarded with a stream of texts.

 

_JASON: where are you?_

 

_JASON: did you leave with danny?_

 

_JASON: matt?_

 

_JASON: are kurtis and shane with you?_

 

_JASON: please tell me you're okay_

 

_JASON: matt?? hello?_

 

_JASON: kurtis just texted me_

 

_JASON: christ, tell me next time, okay? i almost had a heart attack_

 

_JASON: get some sleep, you need it_

 

Reading over his best friend's messages made Matt smile, until the next notification came through.

 

_DANNY: i'm sorry, matt..._

 

His heart dropped. He had to do something, _say_ something, and a text message wouldn't suffice. As if moving on autopilot, Matt grabbed the hotel's pad and the pen resting on it, scribbling a note to Kurtis.

 

_Lunch has to wait, something came up. Sorry.-Matt_

 

With that, he almost ran out of the room, careful to shut the door quietly behind himself lest he make Kurtis worry - or worse, follow him. Moving quickly, Matt hurried down the hotel's hallway, stepping into the niche where the ice maker and vending machines sat. He pulled out his phone and opened Danny's message again, thumbs hovering over the screen. He had no idea what to say, no idea how to respond to the apology that had been sent only an hour earlier. After a moment of hesitation, Matt took a deep breath and called him.

 

Danny picked up on the third ring, his voice thick - Matt couldn't tell if it was from crying or something else.

 

"Matt?"

 

"Hey."

 

"Hey..."

 

Danny sounded scared.

 

"What room are you in?"

 

There was a pause. Matt could feel the tension and anxiety building in the other boy, and he'd be a liar to say it wasn't building in him as well.

 

"409."

 

His response was quiet when it came, and Matt breathed out.

 

"Are you alone?"

 

His words had an edge that he didn't mean to be there, and from Danny's sharp intake of breath, Matt knew he heard it too.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Okay."

 

Without another word, Matt hung up. He put his phone back in his pocket and ran his hands through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment. He took a deep breath, then started for the elevators. Danny was on the floor below him, and Matt knew the short trip there would only serve to set him more on edge. As Matt walked, the silence of the hotel pressed in on him from every side. By the time the elevator doors slid shut, he was shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, and when they opened again on Danny's floor, Matt's heart jumped into his throat. It was only another moment before he was standing in front of the door marked 409, and his stomach twisted in knots as he raised his hand to knock.

 

Two quick raps on the door, and Matt felt like he was going to throw up. He heard someone moving in the room beyond only seconds before Danny opened the door, and when he did, both of them froze, looking at each other. Danny's hair was sticking up in every direction (Matt _tried_ not to think of it as after-sex hair), his glasses were perched on his nose, and he was wearing an old, beat-up tie-dye shirt and boxers. Matt was sure he looked just as much of a mess, what with him throwing on the first clothes he found and not even bothering to try and fix his hair. The two of them stood there for a moment, just looking at each other, before Danny stepped back, wordlessly inviting Matt into his room. The window was open and the room was cold - Matt immediately spotted Danny's bowl sitting on the windowsill.

 

The door shut behind him, and Danny stood awkwardly in the center of the room, looking away. He was chewing on his lip, and Matt twisted his hands together nervously. He didn't remember what he wanted to say, and Danny didn't look like he knew what to say either. So, the silence between them stretched painfully on. Matt could've sworn he could hear his heart beating in his ears, and his stomach continued tying itself into knots the longer the two of them stood there. It felt like there was an insurmountable wall between them, and Matt knew, in that moment, that nothing would ever be the same between them. He looked away, staring at a spot on the floor to his right, blinking back tears. He couldn't cry here, not like this, not in front of Danny. Everything had been so perfect only ten minutes ago; if he hadn't opened his phone to find Danny's text and left his room then he would be with Kurtis, with his friend that made him feel so good - except that was just a distraction, and from what? From Danny, and from Shane, and the thoughts of them together. Anger rose inside of him again, and before Matt could stop himself, he was stepping close to Danny.

 

The other boy flinched back like Matt was going to hit him, and Matt stopped short, only a few precious inches seperating them. Danny's eyes jumped from the floor to Matt's, and the room around them felt like it suddenly warmed up ten degrees. There was electricity in the air, and Danny's whisper sounded like a gunshot in the too-quiet moment.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"For what?"

 

It was more bitter-sounding than he intended, and Matt bit down on his lip to stop an apology of his own from escaping his mouth.

 

"Walking away like that. I got scared."

 

He sounded like he was about to cry, and it made Matt's chest hurt.

 

"It's okay."

 

Danny looked away, running a hand through his hair and letting out a long, slow breath. Matt let the silence hang between them, fumbling for words that he couldn't seem to find. Finally, Danny looked back to him, obviously scared.

 

"We... can still be friends, right?"

 

Friends. The word hit him like a truck, a semi-trailer to the stomach, knocking the breath from Matt's chest. Tears welled in his eyes, and he forced back a scream. He _wanted_ to scream in Danny's face, he wanted to scream and yell at him, until he understood. Not out of anger, no, something far worse. Love. Matt was disgusted by how close he came to blurting out his least favorite words, the three words that often meant too much, were too dangerous. He wanted to scream 'I love you' over and over, until Danny got it, until Danny loved him back. But he knew that wouldn't happen.

 

"Unless you don't want to be."

 

"Of course I want to be, Matt, I just..."

 

He trailed off, looking away again. Matt's throat was tight, and he felt like his heart might explode. Whether it was from nerves, anger, sadness, or all three, he couldn't tell.

 

"You just what?"

 

Danny's eyes trailed so slowly, painfully slowly, back up to Matt's. They were full of sadness - regret? When he spoke, his voice was shaky.

 

"I just don't want to hurt you."

 

There was a storm rising in Matt's head again, a swirl of emotions that he couldn't make sense of. He knew what the right thing was to do; he knew he should leave it there and change the topic to something, anything else. But if there was one thing Matt had always been good at, it was doing the wrong thing. Before he could stop himself, he was moving forward again, a hand going to touch Danny's cheek. The last inch between them held for a moment, long enough for Matt to look into Danny's eyes, his whisper loud in the silence.

 

"You won't."

 

Then, he closed that fateful inch, and they were kissing again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were kissing, and for the first time, it felt right. There was nothing rushed about it, no shock or surprise, just Matt's lips on Danny's and all the time in the world. Danny's arms wrapped around Matt's neck and he was holding Danny's waist, their bodies pressed together. It was slow and lazy, and Danny's lips felt like heaven. They were soft, so soft, and Matt almost protested when Danny pulled away a fraction of an inch to breathe.

They were kissing, and for the first time, it felt _right_. There was nothing rushed about it, no shock or surprise, just Matt's lips on Danny's and all the time in the world. Danny's arms wrapped around Matt's neck and he was holding Danny's waist, their bodies pressed together. It was slow and lazy, and Danny's lips felt like heaven. They were soft, so soft, and Matt almost protested when Danny pulled away a fraction of an inch to breathe.

 

"I've wanted this for so long."

 

Danny's voice was the tiniest bit breathless, and Matt couldn't help but smile and pull him into another lingering kiss before he replied against the other boy's lips.

 

"So have I."

 

Just like that, they understood what the other meant, and they were kissing again, except this time it was searching, _wanting_. Matt's hands roamed up Danny's back, and his fingers slid into Matt's hair. They were moving, stumbling, a tangle of limbs falling backwards onto the bed, Matt underneath Danny, and yet they never broke the kiss once. One of Danny's hands was on the mattress, holding himself up, and the other was sliding down Matt's body, finding the hem of his shirt and slipping up underneath it. Matt arched up into the warmth of the older boy's hands, his head falling back as Danny's lips dropped to his neck. The two of them were pressed together like they'd done this a thousand times, but their hands were exploring each other's bodies for the first time, and when Matt dragged his nails down Danny's back he hissed out a breath and bit down on his neck, making Matt's breath catch.

 

It happened naturally and smoothly, the pair rolling so Matt was on top. Both of them were breathing quickly, and their kiss was quickly growing messier. They were moving their hips together, and the friction was enough to pull tiny noises from both boys. Danny's hands found Matt's hips and pulled him down as he rocked his hips up, and Matt broke the kiss to gasp.

 

"Matt..."

 

Danny's eyes were half-shut, his face red, and his lips parted. Matt understood exactly what that breathy near-moan meant, and he dipped his head, kissing a line down Danny's neck. He grazed his teeth across his throat and the other boy's nails curled into his hips, a soft whine falling from his lips. Matt sat up, urging Danny to come with him with a finger hooked in the collar of his shirt, and their lips met once again. The younger boy wrapped his arms around Danny's neck and worked his hips down, the feeling making his head spin. He was the first to pull away, kissing Danny's throat as he slid off his lap. His knees hit the floor and he lifted up Danny's shirt, and the soft _'oh'_ that he breathed made Matt smile. The dark-haired boy's shirt was quickly discarded, and Matt busied himself kissing his chest slowly, following the planes of his body down to his stomach.

 

He looked up, as if asking for permission, tracing Danny's waistband. Danny was biting his lip, and when Matt's fingers drifted downwards, teasing him, he made a soft noise, his eyes falling shut. Matt took that as a sign of approval and tugged on his boxers, urging Danny to pull them off.

 

"You're sure..?"

 

Matt paused, looking back up at Danny. His voice was breathless and soft in a way Matt had never heard before, and as he spoke, he ran his hands up Danny's side.

 

"I've been sure. I _want_ you, Danny."

 

The other boy's sharp intake of breath at his words made Matt bite down on his lip and push himself up onto Danny's lap again, pressing their lips together. When he pulled away to breathe, Danny's hand slid down his chest to palm him.

 

"I want you too."

 

Their lips met again, briefly, before Matt was sliding down to the floor again, Danny lifting his hips to let Matt pull his boxers off. There was a half-second pause in which Matt looked, with parted lips and lust-blown eyes, at what was in front of him before it registered. Hickeys. So many of them, fresh and dark, spread across the innermost parts of Danny's thighs, right where Matt had planned on kissing. Anger and disgust rose up in him as he pictured Shane in the same position he was, and before he could stop himself, he was standing up and lurching backwards, a scream that he couldn't let out getting stuck in his throat and choking him.

 

"Matt?"

 

A thousand things were flying through his head at a million miles a minute. He kept picturing Danny and Shane, together, and when he finally spoke, his words were quiet daggers, flung at Danny with as much venom as he could muster.

 

"Is this what I am to you?"

 

"What?"

 

He sounded terrified and confused, and he was fumbling, trying to pull his boxers back on and standing up.

 

"Just another _fuck_?"

 

"Matt, no, you-"

 

"I don't want to hear it."

 

Matt cut him off mid-sentence, and Danny faltered, stepping closer to him.

 

"Get away from me."

 

He spit the last words out like poison, but Danny only moved closer. Matt couldn't stop the white-hot anger that was swallowing him whole, and before he could stop himself, he was stepping forward, shoving Danny back, nearly shouting.

 

"I said _get_ _the fuck_ _away from me_!"

 

Danny stumbled and tried to catch himself but failed, landing on his knees on the ground, looking up at Matt with tears rolling down his face. Breathing hard, Matt stepped backwards. Everything felt distant and static-y, and panic started rising in his chest. He had to leave _now_ , and before he or Danny said anything else, he turned and went for the door, stopping with his hand on the handle when Danny's sobs rose behind him.

 

"Matt, please, you're not... please don't go... Matt, please!"

 

Pathetic. Matt was riding high on a tide of rage, and he didn't care that Danny was crying. He turned the handle, ignoring the other boy's begging.

 

"Go find someone else to fuck. I'm not a fucking _toy_."

 

With that, he stormed out of the room, turning for the elevators. He had to force himself to walk; Matt wanted to run as fast as he could, away from Danny, away from the anger that was making it hard to think, away from the tour bus and the show and all the other queens. Instead, he made himself stand still in the elevator and press the button for the floor above. What he'd say to Kurtis when he got back, he had no idea, but he didn't care. All Matt wanted was a hot shower and a distraction. When the elevator doors slid open, Matt nearly stumbled out, his head spinning so fast that he could hardly keep his balance. Nonetheless, he made it to his door and knocked on it, cursing his lack of foresight to bring a key card with him. The door opened, and Kurtis stood there in just Matt's sweatpants, worry written all over his face.

 

"Are you oka-"

 

Matt hardly gave him the chance to finish his sentence before pushing past him without a word and shutting himself in the bathroom. He locked the door, ignoring Kurtis' knocking and muffled confusion, and leaned against the counter, heaving a long sigh. He turned away from the mirror, not wanting to look at himself, and stripped quickly, turning the shower on as hot as it could go. The steam and hot water enveloped him, melting the tension from his body, the anger falling away with it, and Matt finally let go of all the tears that he had been holding back.

 

Standing under a stream of scalding water and crying wasn't at all how he wanted to spend his morning. He felt absolutely miserable, and he knew it was only going to get worse throughout the day. After several long minutes, Matt grabbed the hotel's bottle of shampoo and closed his eyes, sighing in defeat. It would be no use to sit around and mope, he though. Kurtis was waiting for him, anyways. So, Matt did what he did best and locked his feelings away, returning to the monotone place that he was so used to. He finished showering quickly, trying not to think too much as he toweled himself off and pulled his clothes back on. With his hand on the doorknob, he paused to take a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for the hail of questions that Kurtis was bound to shower him in. There was hardly the space of a second between him opening the door and Kurtis wrapping him in a warm hug.

 

"Were you waiting for me?"

 

Matt's voice was muffled against Kurtis' body, but the older boy understood him and nodded.

 

"I was worried."

 

He pulled back, holding Matt by the shoulders and looking at him.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

When Matt shrugged and looked away, words getting stuck in his throat, Kurtis sighed softly and touched his cheek.

 

"Matt..."

 

"I'm fine, okay? I don't want to think about it right now."

 

As much as he tried not to snap at Kurtis, he couldn't help the little edge that his words had. But, the only response his tone got was a small smile from Kurtis.

 

"Then do you want to go to lunch?"

 

"Lunch sounds good, yeah."

 

\---

 

The night air was cool against Pearl's face. She stood, leaning against the railing of the walkway behind the venue, a cigarette between her fingers. It was her third since finishing her set under an hour ago, but she was determined to keep her stress level down as much as possible, so she didn't care. It was nice to have the little area to herself, but she couldn't decide which was worse - hearing Adore's voice mixing with the bass as she performed, or knowing that she was backstage somewhere, where Pearl could run into her at any moment should she go back inside. Her stomach twisted just thinking about the way she had last left Danny - on the ground of the hotel room, crying and begging Matt to stay, but Pearl took another drag of her cigarette and stared blankly at the building closest to her. The door opened behind her, and she turned, her back against the railing.

 

"Hey, Pearl."

 

Violet smiled at her from the doorway, and she smiled back before taking another drag of her cigarette.

 

"Want something to drink?"

 

"Sure."

 

She nodded and turned, the door shutting behind her, and Pearl turned back to the building with her almost-gone cigarette. There was another hour or more until the post-show meet-and-greet, and that meant a lot of time to think. Unfortunately, thinking was the last thing she wanted to do while she was even relatively sober. She hadn't smoked anything but cigarettes in a few days, and without having anything to drink, Pearl was quickly becoming a bundle of frayed, jittery nerves - but of course, she wouldn't let anyone else see it. The door opened behind her again, but Pearl didn't bother turning, figuring Violet would at least come stand next to her for a few minutes while they drank.

 

"Hey..."

 

She immediately stiffened. Adore's voice was the last one she wanted to hear, and yet here she was, her heart suddenly pounding in her throat, with Adore behind her. Pearl couldn't move. Anger was clawing its way up her insides and snaking its way around her throat, and she took another drag of her cigarette in an attempt to calm down.

 

"Matt..?"

 

Obviously, Adore wasn't getting the message that she had no interest in talking. The two of them stood in a tense, uncomfortable silence for what felt like an eternity before Pearl heard the door shut again and breathed a near-silent sight of relief. Her peace lasted for about a half-second, until she felt Adore's hand tentatively touch her shoulder. Pearl did her best to ignore it, closing her eyes and clenching her jaw, red-hot anger exploding in her chest. When all Adore did was move closer, her body just barely brushing Pearl's and her grip on the blonde queen's shoulder growing more firm, she finally snapped, spinning around and grabbing her wrist.

 

"What part of _find somebody else to fuck_ don't you _fucking_ understand?"

 

She snarled at the shorter queen, and in the split-second that her words hung in the air, she watched Adore's face transform from fear to something else entirely, and as she let out a pained shriek and yanked her hand away, Pearl realized with a jolt that she had jammed the lit end of her cigarette onto the back of Adore's hand, _hard_. Adore stumbled backwards, holding her hand to her chest with another wounded noise, and the two of them just started at each other, shock mirrored on both of their faces, Pearl's mixed with anger and Adore's with terrified pain. Then, Adore was turning, yanking open the door and disappearing behind it, and Pearl was standing frozen outside.

 

Shellshocked, Pearl let her cigarette fall from her fingers. It took her a moment to collect herself enough to grind her heel down onto it, and she was still staring vacantly at the ground when the door opened again. Her head snapped up, both panic and anger swirling together in her head, but it half-calmed when she saw Violet with two glasses in hand.

 

"You okay?"

 

Her voice was edged with concern, and when Pearl took the drink from her, she lifted a shoulder in a shrug.

 

"Yeah, mostly."

 

It was surprising how well her calm exterior was holding up, despite the maelstrom in her head. She took a sip of the drink, lips closing almost effortlessly around the straw. The alcohol burned its way down her throat in a comforting, familiar way, and she took a deep breath, trying to relax. Violet leaned against the railing next to her, taking a sip of her own drink before tilting her head questioningly.

 

"You look upset. What's up?"

 

She sighed. Violet wasn't going to let her go without an answer - that wasn't how she worked. Pearl sort of appreciated the fact that nothing got past her, but hated it at the same time.

 

"Just... the same stuff with Adore."

 

Pearl instantly despised how defeated her voice sounded. She had pushed herself so far away from reality that the fact that she had fucking _burned_ _Adore_ hadn't really hit her yet. Her head was a mess, she couldn't think straight, and the alcohol most certainly wasn't helping her think any more clearly, though it was warming her chest.

 

"I saw her walking towards the door earlier, did she come outside?"

 

Violet sounded genuinely curious, not like she was prompting Pearl to tell her what had happened. She hesitated for a moment before lying through her teeth, doing her best to make it sound believable.

 

"No, I haven't talked to her all day."

 

As far as Pearl could tell, Violet bought her lie. The fact that she had just lied to her best friend only served to make her stomach twist into a knot, and Pearl took a hasty sip of her drink to cover it up. Violet nudged her arm and smiled at her.

 

"Want to go in and talk to her?"

 

"I can't."

 

Pearl's response was immediate, panic flashing through her again. Violet nodded, sympathetic and not questioning her response, then motioned towards the door.

 

"Want to come inside anyways?"

 

There wasn't really a way for her to decline the offer without Violet starting to suspect something. She cursed herself internally andhoped to everything above that Adore wasn't anywhere near wherever the two of them ended up sitting backstage.

 

"Sure, I guess."

 

Violet went first, leading Pearl back inside. Her stomach was twisting itself into knots and performing nervous acrobatics as they walked, and she forced herself to focus on the back of Violet's head. Pearl kept downing her drink in hopes that it would ease her nerves and bolster her confidence at least a little bit, but all it really did was make everything just that much more muddled. When they finally sat down in the dressing room, the only people in it were Alaska, Ginger, and Phi Phi. Everyone else was nowhere to be seen, and Pearl could hear Manila's music playing, meaning the show was only around a half-hour from being over. The two of them sat down on a couch, and Violet put her feet up on a nearby chair, sighing softly. Pearl had traded her heels in favor of sneakers right after her set, but Violet, being Violet, had stayed in her heels all night.

 

She finished the rest of her drink, and the two of them sat in a companionable silence, listening to the other three girls talking and laughing over each other. For a while, Pearl distracted herself with their amicable chatter, the alcohol in her system warming her chest and cheeks and letting her fall into a sort of faded numbness. But, the longer the two of them sat, Violet silently on her phone, the more antsy and uncomfortable Pearl got. Before long, she decided to face her anxiety and walk around backstage a bit to calm down. After all, she couldn't just hide and avoid everyone forever, and she was fairly sure Adore wouldn't try to talk to her again.

 

"Hey, Vi?"

 

"Hm?"

 

The brunette looked up from her phone, looking at Pearl inquisitively.

 

"I'm gonna go walk around for a bit."

 

She nodded, smiling at the blonde girl.

 

"I'll be here until they call us all up for the last number."

 

Pearl stood, stretching a little bit, and walked out of the room, heading for the bathroom. It wasn't exactly her ideal place to be, but it was better than sitting around and doing nothing - and besides, if everyone was in drag, they wouldn't be using it anyways. The narrow hallway that lead to it was dim and deserted, and Pearl pushed into the men's bathroom. The bass was almost deafening here; the music was loud and even the air seemed to vibrate, and it was exactly the way Pearl liked it. Standing in the middle of the small room, stalls to her right and sinks to her left, the door behind her, Pearl closed her eyes, swaying in time with the music. It was weirdly peaceful, standing there with alcohol buzzing in her system and the bass drowning out her thoughts - that is, until the door opened behind her. Pearl spun around and came face-to-face with a _very_ angry-looking Adore.

 

"We need to talk."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her voice broke on the last word, and Pearl's heart broke. She should've just said something to Adore, she should've just told her everything like she always had. But it was too late now. She had fucked up. Adore took another step forward, pointing at Pearl threateningly, her finger stabbing the air on every word.

Very suddenly, the already-small bathroom seemed to shrink around the two of them. The door closed behind Adore, and the bass turned into a driving beat that matched the pounding of Pearl's heart against her ribs. Her eyes darted down to the other queen's hand, and when she saw the gauze wrapped around it, she swallowed past a lump in her throat.

 

"What the fuck is going on?"

 

Adore's voice was sharp, aimed right at Pearl's throat. Boiling anger surged behind her eyes, and suddenly, Pearl was afraid. She cowered back when Adore stepped closer, her voice rising.

 

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

 

She tried to say something, anything, but her voice was stuck in her throat. Adore took another step forward, and Pearl stepped back.

 

"Why won't you just fucking _tell_ me when something is wrong? You used to! All the fucking time! What the _fuck_ did I do?"

 

Her voice broke on the last word, and Pearl's heart broke. She should've just said something to Adore, she should've just told her everything like she always had. But it was too late now. She had fucked up. Adore took another step forward, pointing at Pearl threateningly, her finger stabbing the air on every word.

 

"You're the one fucking throwing me away like a piece of trash! I've never fucking done anything but been there for you, so what the _fuck_? Don't you dare fucking act like this is _my_ fault for kissing you, I know you've fucked half the goddamn people on this bus."

 

Every word that left Adore's mouth was a barb, digging into Pearl's heart. She backed away from Adore's accusing glare, and her back hit the wall. Fear spread through her body, raising goosebumps across her skin, but Adore didn't move. The anger in her face was mixed with pain, now, and Pearl couldn't tell if she was about to throw up or pass out. Adore's hand fell, slowly, and she looked at Pearl, her expression unchanging. After what felt like hours (but surely couldn't have been more than a few minutes), she spoke again.

 

"You're not even going to say anything?"

 

Her voice had softened, and Pearl could only just hear her over the bass, but she caught the disgust that tinged her words.

 

"I can't fucking _believe_ you, Matt."

 

She backed away, eyes locked on Pearl's, hurt filling them.

 

"Come find me when you have something to say for yourself."

 

Adore spun on her heel and walked out, leaving Pearl on her own with her back still pressed to the wall. As soon as the door shut, Pearl slid down, sitting hard on the floor. She wanted to cry, to sob and let out some form of quantifiable emotion, but she was numb. There was nothing there to let go of, only hurt and pain and swirling nothingness. She felt sick. Why hadn't she just said something to Adore before? It could've been as easy as that. This whole fucking thing could've been stopped if she had just _said_ something, but of course she didn't. Pearl had to go and do what she did best, which was fuck everything up and disappoint people.

 

The longer she sat there, the more the numbness faded, little by little. Soon, it was replaced by anger. It was familiar, the burning in her chest that felt more hollow than full, and in part, it comforted Pearl. Having that there was better than nothing. She stood up, blackness burning in her heart, and followed Adore's footsteps out of the bathroom, going for her dressing room. Nothing else mattered but the fact that she needed a cigarette, and before long, she was sitting outside, smoking one. Then a second. A third. Pearl sat there, unmoving, smoking, until they came to get her for the meet-and-greet.

 

\---

 

_KURTIS: where are you?_

 

_MATT: hotel room. why?_

 

_KURTIS: danny wanted me to text you '603'. are you guys okay?_

 

Matt's heart stopped. He wasn't expecting Danny to want to talk to him, not so soon. It had only been a matter of hours since he had been cornered in the bathroom, and he hadn't made any attempt to talk to Danny since then.

 

_MATT: were fine. thanks_

 

_KURTIS: no problem. call me if you need to, okay?_

 

_MATT: yeah_

 

He laid back on his bed, heart racing. What was he supposed to do? He didn't know what to say to Danny. A thousand things were running through his head all at once, but every one of them sounded stupid, weak, pathetic. The last thing he wanted was to go crawling back to Danny on his knees, crying and begging for forgiveness. But at the same time, what else was he supposed to do? Matt had fucked up, he knew he had, and he didn't know what to do about it. The disgust in Danny's voice as he told Matt to "come back when he had something to say for himself" was on loop in his head, and Matt couldn't get the picture of his thighs, covered in hickeys, out of his head. His head was spinning, a mix of panic and anger, and part of him was scared that if he went to talk to Danny, he'd end up exploding on him again.

 

What the fuck was he supposed to do? There was only one thing he really _could_ do, but just the thought of it made him nauseous. Being honest with Danny meant being honest with himself, and he didn't know if he could. That meant admitting to himself that he was _in love_ with someone - and not even _someone_ , it was one of his best friends. He knew how Danny felt about love. He used to feel the same way, until he started realizing how he felt about the boy with the hair that stuck up wildly and the crooked grin. Matt knew he had to be honest. There was no other way to fix anything about their friendship. He took a deep breath and stood up, putting his phone in his pocket.

 

The elevator was only a minute's walk from his room, and as the door shut, Matt's anger from earlier started to rise in his throat. It was late, and he had no idea where the other queens were. They had invited him out to a nearby bar after the show, but he had declined, saying he didn't feel well. Danny was obviously back in his room, but he doubted everyone else had come back just yet. He felt like a fucking _toy_ , being played with and pulled around to Danny's liking. The other boy could kiss him whenever he wanted, but should Matt have any fucking _feelings_ about it, god fucking forbid, Danny would just get upset at him. By the time he reached Danny's door, numbered in black, he was fuming again, and he had to take a second to breathe.

 

He raised his hand to knock, his heart jumping into his throat. The noise echoed down the hallway, and Matt winced at how loud it sounded in the silence. It was only a moment before the door swung open, Danny standing in front of him. Neither of them said a word; Danny turned and walked back into the room, and Matt followed him, pushing the door shut behind him. The dark-haired boy stopped in the middle of the room, by the foot of the bed, and Matt stopped as well, fingers nervously twisting into the hem of his shirt. The silence hung threateningly between them for what felt like years before Matt found his voice.

 

"Danny..."

 

It took him another few moments to put together what he was going to say. Danny said nothing, standing there with his arms crossed, his eyes cold. He tried not to look at the bandage on Danny's hand. Matt was desperately trying to hold his anger back and keep his tone neutral, but there was only so much he could do.

 

"The only reason I've been so fucked up is because I wasn't _expecting_ you to kiss me. I mean, not that it was a bad thing or anything, I just... I didn't see it coming. Okay?"

 

No response. Only that cold, pissed-off look. Heat rose in Matt's chest - first Danny was yelling at him for not saying anything, then expected him to explain himself to a fucking _wall_? He took a deep breath, diving head-first into what he was most afraid of.

 

"Look, I know both of us have talked about not _doing_ love plenty of times. But the thing is, I fucking love you. And I _know_ how you are with that, I _know_ you're not good at relationships, but I can't fucking help the fact that I love you and I have for fucking ages. I can't fucking help it! And I've tried not to think about it, I've tried hoping it'll go away, but it fucking doesn't, I'm fucking _in love with you, Danny_!"

 

He ran out of breath, and Matt realized he had been shouting, his hands curled into fists. He bit down on his lip and stared back at Danny, his gaze hardening to match the other boy's coldness.

 

"Is that it?"

 

Danny stepped forward, his voice menacingly quiet.

 

"Is that what this whole thing has been about?"

 

Matt didn't flinch. Instead, he took a step forward too, refusing to let the other boy intimidate him.

 

"So what if it is? Not like you would fucking _care_ , would you? Because all you care about is your next _fuck_."

 

They stood, only a few precious inches apart, Matt with his hands curled into fists by his sides and Danny with his arms crossed. Matt could tell what he said had hurt Danny; there was pain mixed with the anger in his expression.

 

"That's not all I fucking care about."

 

His voice was almost a whisper, but he might as well have been yelling in the deadly silence that pressed in on Matt from every side.

 

"Then why'd you kiss me, if you know I've fucked everyone on the bus? Didn't you just want to fuck me and cross it off your bucket list?"

 

Matt was taunting him, his voice bitter and full of sharp anger that he didn't care enough to hold back anymore.

 

"Would you have kissed me if I wasn't such a fucking _whore_? If you didn't think I'd bend over and take it up the ass for a few pretty words and a _kiss_?"

 

Something snapped in Danny, and Matt had a fraction of a second to brace himself before he was being slammed backwards, against the wall, with an arm across his chest.

 

"Maybe that _is_ what I wanted."

 

His voice dropped low, into an almost-growl that sent a shiver racing up Matt's spine.

 

"Maybe all I wanted was to fuck Drag Race's biggest _slut_."

 

Matt opened his mouth to respond, trying to push off the wall, but all Danny did was press closer and level him with an acid glare, and he shut it.

 

"What if that's all I wanted, Matt? What if I only wanted to fuck you and leave?"

 

Every word he said was spat out like poison, but all it did was piss Matt off more. Danny's whole body was pressed to him, keeping him against the wall with a surprising amount of strength.

 

"Then fucking _do it_."

 

Matt hissed at him, and he dug the nails of one hand into the arm across his chest.

 

"Do it and get it over with, so you can leave me the _fuck_ alone!"

 

His voice rose into a shout again, and Danny's wince when he dug his nails in harder only spurred Matt on.

 

"Finish what you started, then you can go and brag to everyone about how you made me come crawling to you, begging for it like the fucking _whore_ you think I am! It's not like I fucking _care_!"

 

There was a second of silence before Danny spoke again, his voice slow and _patronizing_ in a way that made Matt's stomach turn.

 

"Shut up."

 

" _Make_ _me_."

 

The whisper had hardly left his mouth when Danny's lips crashed into his, all anger and dominance. It was rough, and when Danny bit down on Matt's lower lip hard enough for a coppery taste to rise in the back of his throat, he curled his nails into the other boy's shoulders, taking pride in the way Danny winced. He wanted to leave bruises all over Danny, mark him so everyone else he decided to fuck knew that someone had been there before him. If this whole tour had been a game of how long it would take for Matt to fuck Danny, then he was going to play dirty now that he was in on it. Matt grabbed a handful of Danny's hair and yanked his head back, pushing against him and going for his neck. He didn't care if he left marks where everybody could see; he bit down and started sucking a mark into the soft skin of his neck, keeping his grip on Danny's hair tight.

 

Violently, Danny shoved Matt back again, pulling him away from his neck and slamming his head back into the wall, wrapping a hand tightly around his throat to keep him there. He choked out a soft noise, eyes falling to the already-visible mark forming on the other boy's neck, and grinned, all teeth. Danny was glaring at him again, a fire in his eyes that made Matt hungry for more.

 

"You're fucking disgusting."

 

His hand tightened around Matt's neck, and his response was hoarse with the pressure.

 

"What, because I'm giving you what you want?"

 

Danny shut him up with another kiss, only to break it a second later to pull Matt's shirt over his head. He complied, and as soon as it was off, he tried to pull Danny's off as well, but the other boy caught his hands and pinned him against the wall.

 

" _Slut_."

 

The angry whisper came only a second before Danny kissed him again, and Matt closed his eyes, doing his best to hold back another noise. He didn't want Danny to know he was enjoying this, but it was hard to deny that he wasn't achingly hard. He could feel that Danny was as well, pressed against him, and Matt rolled his hips forward. The little groan he got spurred him on, and before long, they were grinding against each other, kissing messily, Danny still holding Matt's wrists to the wall. With as much strength as he possibly could, Matt pushed away from the wall, sending Danny stumbling backwards, dropping his wrists. Matt's freedom didn't last long - he had hardly moved forward before Danny was grabbing him and spinning him towards the bed, pushing him backwards. All of the boy's weight was behind it, and the two of them landed on the bed hard enough to knock a grunt from Matt.

 

"This is what you wanted all along, isn't it?"

 

Danny glared down at him, and Matt's fingers curled into the hem of his shirt, pulling it off. The other boy let him pull it off, sitting up, legs spread as he straddled Matt, and he couldn't help but admire the way his body looked. But, the venom didn't leave his voice as he taunted Danny again, saying everything he could to get a reaction from him.

 

"How many times did you smoke with me in hopes I'd kiss you first? Because I'm just a fucking _whore_ aren't I?"

 

The dark-haired boy's hand came down on his cheek, in a hit that Matt saw coming but still shocked him anyways. The pain made him dizzy for half a second, then he pushed himself up and met Danny in another heated kiss. This time, when Matt's nails raked down his back, Danny arched up against him, a noise getting stuck in his throat. He rocked down against Matt, and his breath caught at the feeling. He pulled away enough to hiss another tease to the boy, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth.

 

"How does it feel knowing you're the last person on the tour I fucked?"

 

It was a lie - Matt hadn't slept with anyone on the bus other than Kurtis and Jason, but Danny didn't need to know that.

 

"Shut the _fuck_ up."

 

It was nearly a growl, and Danny pushed Matt back down, into the bed. They were still grinding against each other, desperate for the contact, and Danny moved to bite down on the junction between Matt's neck and shoulder. He arched up, unable to stop the little whine that fell from his lips, and in response, Danny started to suck a bruise into his skin. Matt's fingers found his hair and curled into it, but instead of trying to pull him away, Matt encouraged him with little tugs and noises. His breath was fluttering in his chest, anger quickly transforming into desire. The more marks Danny left scattered across his neck and collarbones, the more he _wanted_ him, and the less angry he felt.

 

"Move back, I can't fucking do this if you're falling off the bed."

 

Danny snapped at him, but it didn't hold nearly as much hatred as before. With a grin that made Danny roll his eyes, Matt moved back, shifting so his head was on the pillows. While he did so, Danny had climbed off him and was digging around in his suitcase. By the time Matt was settled, Danny had turned around, and he climbed back onto Matt with an almost feline grace, tossing a condom and a small bottle of lube next to him on the bed.

 

"Careful, don't be _too_ nice, or I might find someone _better_ to fuck."

 

He was grasping blindly for things to piss Danny off with again, suddenly missing the roughness of before, and evidently it worked, because he choked Matt again, teeth finding his collarbone and biting down hard enough to make Matt nearly whimper, arching up off the pillows.

 

"Pathetic fucking _slut_."

 

Danny muttered against his skin, and Matt laughed, low and rasping, barely managing to choke out words through the grip on his neck that was making his head spin in just the right way.

 

"And? You fucking love it. You _love_ having me under you, Danny, admit it."

 

"You love being there."

 

Danny let go of his neck, running his nails down his chest, and Matt couldn't stop his gasp. His fingers curled into the waist of Matt's pants, and the two of them wasted no time in stripping each other. The sight of the slightly-faded hickeys on Danny's thighs sent a flash of anger through Matt, and he reached up, pulling Danny down against him. Their lips met again, only for a moment, before Danny was pulling away, reaching for the lube. It happened quickly; before Matt could think to protest, Danny was urging him to flip over, and then he was on his hands and knees with cold, slick fingers running over his entrance. A shaky, long breath later, and Danny was pushing a finger into him. It stung, but Matt didn't care. He worked himself back against Danny's hand, completely unable to stop the myriad of tiny gasps and noises that left him.

 

He added a second finger, and Matt whined something that sounded vaguely like Danny's name, drawing a groan from him. Danny was far from gentle, but Matt didn't care. The pain only made him want it more, and as he fucked himself back on the other boy's fingers, he could hear Danny's breath hitching. Matt let him keep going long enough to add a third finger, stretching him open, before he pulled himself away and turned to Danny, breathless with how empty he felt.

 

"Let me ride you."

 

All the anger was gone from both his voice and Danny's face, and when he spoke, Danny bit his lip. He nodded, and the two of them switched positions, Danny leaning against the pillows. He grabbed the condom and ripped it open, rolling it on himself as Matt watched with his lower lip between his teeth. Something had shifted in the air between them, and when Matt leaned down to kiss Danny again as he straddled him, this time it was warm and almost gentle. He lined himself up and sunk down, slowly, his head falling back with a low groan.

 

"Oh, fuck-"

 

Danny whispered, and Matt dragged his nails down Danny's chest, making the other boy choke off a gasp and arch up. His hands went to Matt's back and did the same, hard enough to sting, pulling Matt down against his chest. They were kissing once again, this time much more focused on feeling each other instead of being rough, and then Matt was breaking the kiss to tilt his head back with another moan. The other boy took advantage of his exposed neck, scattering open-mouthed kisses there, muffling a noise against his skin when Matt was fully seated. He was still for a moment, and Danny trailed kisses along his collarbone, stopping to leave another mark. After a moment, Matt breathed his name again, soft and fluttering, and Danny came back up to kiss him just as he started moving.

 

Matt's hands curled into Danny's hair as he started to work himself on Danny's cock, making soft noises against the other boy's lips. Danny's hands found his hips, encouraging him, and he started to move with him, making Matt cry out softly. Within moments, Danny was thrusting up into him, and Matt was meeting every thrust, pulling away from Danny's lips to moan openly. Danny couldn't hold back his noises anymore, and his nails curled into the flesh of Matt's hips, both of them gasping and moaning, eyes shut and bodies pressed together. The sound of skin hitting skin filled the room, and everything was hot and tight and perfect.

 

"Fuck, Matt, I'm close-"

 

The only thing Matt could manage in response was a broken moan of the other boy's name as he came onto Danny's chest, his rhythm faltering. Danny followed a few seconds later, fucking Matt through it despite the other boy's soft whimper. Both of them were breathing hard, trying to catch their breath. Matt was the first to move, slowly pulling himself off of Danny with another quiet noise, making his way carefully off the bed and to the bathroom. Danny sat up, pulling off the condom and tying it off before cleaning off his chest with a tissue from the table beside the bed. After a moment, Matt walked back into the room, heading straight for the bed. Without a word, the two of them slipped under the covers, the tension from earlier entirely gone. Matt had a small smile on his face, and when Danny touched his shoulder, he didn't hesitate to press himself to the other boy, who wrapped his arms around Matt.

 

They lay in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the other's warmth. Then, reluctantly, Matt pulled away a few inches - not leaving Danny's arms, but backing up enough to be able to look at him.

 

"What now?"

 

His voice was soft, almost scared. Danny looked at him for a moment without saying anything, going back on all the conversations they'd had, and what had just happened.

 

"I think I'm done being mad."

 

"Me too."

 

Matt took a deep breath.

 

"Danny..."

 

He hesitated for a moment, looking away before he spoke again. When he did, it was fast and mumbled, but understandable.

 

"I know you said you don't date because you can't stay faithful all the time, and I know what that's like, and we're on tour together now but soon we'll be busy in different places and I _know_ things happen and I _know_ both of us are gonna want to do things, but I'm okay with that so do you think we could maybe, _possibly_ try something?"

 

There was a beat of silence, and Matt could've sworn his heart exploded from nerves before a smile pulled on the corners of Danny's lips, and he pulled Matt against him in a hug.

 

"I think I can try to make something work."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for sticking with me through this emotional rollercoaster of a fic, i've had a lot of fun writing it! <33


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